Therapy is Stupid

It’s been months, and I still can’t say it.

I can say, “I’m,” and I can say, “pregnant,” but so far I haven’t managed to say them in sequence. Instead I default to, “I’m 14 weeks.” Or to close friends I say, “I had a transfer at the end of March, and so far things are going well.”

Or in the case of telling my parents, I just handed them my most recent ultrasound pictures, and I let them figure it out.

Unfortunately for me, my therapist picked up on my evasion the other day, and within minutes, she was trying to make me parrot her words: “I’m pregnant, and I’m scared.”

She tried to make me say it, but she failed, and instead I spent the hour explaining to her why therapy is bullshit. I developed a very sound, four-pronged argument:

  1. The more I let myself feel, the harder I’ll fall if something goes wrong, so denial is a sounder approach in this situation.
  2. If the Buddhist goal is to practice non-attachment, then isn’t my way better?
  3. Why bother feeling one way or another if it won’t change the outcome?
  4. I don’t want to.

She had rebuttals.

  1. If I do end up “falling,” then my denial will only make the fall harder. She argued that if something bad happens, then I’ll have to process both the pregnancy and the pregnancy loss at the same time, and that would make the pain more profound.
  2. Non-attachment doesn’t mean not feeling. Non-attachment means accepting the situation for what it is – including my feelings.
  3. It’s true that feeling one way or another won’t change the outcome, but it will inhibit the experience of a positive outcome. I can only feel as much joy as I can grief, so if I want to open my heart to happiness (and love and bonding), then I also have to open my heart to fear.
  4. Of course I don’t want to. That’s because I’m pregnant and I’m scared.

Ugh. Stupid therapy.

(PS: Since denial about this pregnancy obviously extends to my inability to blog with any regularity, I’ve been posting brief updates here, which I thought I’d mention in case you’re interested.)

Advertisements

About TG

My eggs don't work, so I manifested a baby via egg donation. Let's blog and see what happens.
This entry was posted in Donor Egg Process, My Head and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Therapy is Stupid

  1. When all else fails, I always blame the Buddhists, too. Good on you. (Continued good thoughts your way, from a fellow therapy-is-stupid sort.)

    Like

  2. You gotta do what you gotta do to stay even. Xo- Marna

    Like

  3. I know its hard to believe it. I’m 32 weeks and I still have a feeling that something could go wrong any minute and I would never have been pregnant. Point being its gonna be hard to embrace the happiness until you are holding your baby in your arms. I get it. I totally get it. All you can do is take it one day at a time. Hold on to that day and work to the next. EVERY VISIT to my ob i think something is wrong and that we are going to have to start all over again. Thats because you cant go through as many ups and mostly downs as we have, to get this point and not constantly be looking over your shoulder for the disaster to happen. I understand the need to down play it. You have a right, you have been through the ringer.
    BUT, embrace each day, the day, not the future quite yet. I do that and it helps.

    Like

  4. I can totally understand the fear and the non-attachment method but personally.. I think the moment you get a BFP you become attached whether you think you are or not. That’s why I’d kinda side with your therapist and totally embrace it. I’d say ‘I’m pregnant and I’m worried but I’m doing everything I can to keep you and we’re gonna be good’ <- to your baby

    Ps I'm sorry I might have fallen quiet, when doom and gloom hits me I can't see beyond my own grief. That's not to say that I don't lurk and read your posts.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s