It’s been months, and I still can’t say it.
I can say, “I’m,” and I can say, “pregnant,” but so far I haven’t managed to say them in sequence. Instead I default to, “I’m 14 weeks.” Or to close friends I say, “I had a transfer at the end of March, and so far things are going well.”
Or in the case of telling my parents, I just handed them my most recent ultrasound pictures, and I let them figure it out.
Unfortunately for me, my therapist picked up on my evasion the other day, and within minutes, she was trying to make me parrot her words: “I’m pregnant, and I’m scared.”
She tried to make me say it, but she failed, and instead I spent the hour explaining to her why therapy is bullshit. I developed a very sound, four-pronged argument:
- The more I let myself feel, the harder I’ll fall if something goes wrong, so denial is a sounder approach in this situation.
- If the Buddhist goal is to practice non-attachment, then isn’t my way better?
- Why bother feeling one way or another if it won’t change the outcome?
- I don’t want to.
She had rebuttals.
- If I do end up “falling,” then my denial will only make the fall harder. She argued that if something bad happens, then I’ll have to process both the pregnancy and the pregnancy loss at the same time, and that would make the pain more profound.
- Non-attachment doesn’t mean not feeling. Non-attachment means accepting the situation for what it is – including my feelings.
- It’s true that feeling one way or another won’t change the outcome, but it will inhibit the experience of a positive outcome. I can only feel as much joy as I can grief, so if I want to open my heart to happiness (and love and bonding), then I also have to open my heart to fear.
- Of course I don’t want to. That’s because I’m pregnant and I’m scared.
Ugh. Stupid therapy.
(PS: Since denial about this pregnancy obviously extends to my inability to blog with any regularity, I’ve been posting brief updates here, which I thought I’d mention in case you’re interested.)