Here’s what happens 3 months into quitting gluten, soy, dairy, nightshades, caffeine, sugar, and alcohol:
- You never have any gas or stomach pains
- Your previously painful period cramps completely disappear
- You have regular, perfect poops
- Your donor gets pregnant
It’s possible that the last of these things has nothing to do with my food intake, but they say dietary changes can be powerful, so I’m going to assume a correlation. I’m also going to assume that you’ve heard enough about my periods and poops, so here’s more about the donor thing.
She texted me three weeks ago, which she does every once in a while just to say hi or to update me about things going on in her life. The conversation went something like this:
How’s it going? I’m good! Still not pregnant, but otherwise great. That sucks because you’re going to be such a great mom. Aw, you’re very sweet. How are you? Good! I met a guy, and we’re probably moving away together, so I’ll let you know when that happens. Oh, yay! I want you to be happy. Me, too, for you! You’re the sweetest. No, you’re the sweetest.
There were lots of exclamation points, exes, ohs, and more exclamation points — all of which were sincere, mind you. I think there may have even been a kitty emoticon in there somewhere, although I’m not sure why. Then there was this:
Me: Hey, one last thing before you go. Have there been any other pregnancies with your eggs since the first recipient? I’m just curious if there’s anything I should know about your fertility.
Donor: Well, I didn’t want to say anything, but I took two tests this morning, and it looks like I’m pregnant. That’s why I texted you today. I wanted you to know right away, but then I wasn’t sure if I should tell you because you’ve been going through such a hard time.
Can I just say how much I’ve grown to appreciate my donor? Yes, I had reservations about her in the beginning, but when it comes to my donor’s personality, thoughtfulness, and adherence to the parameters of our contract, this girl’s been awesome. She knows that medical and fertility updates are important to me, and she’s unendingly thoughtful, sweet, and respectful about it. Personality-wise, I couldn’t have chosen better.
And I’m actually excited about her pregnancy. To ride a wave of delusion for just a moment, I LOVE the possibility of my child having a genetic sibling who’ll be the same age. My donor and I both intend for her to meet my child(ren), and it would be so wonderfully cool if she and I had virtual twins. Very Post-Modern Family, no?
I’ll concede that if my quest ends in a bust, then her child will be a reminder of mine that never was, but then again, if I never get pregnant, then we probably won’t stay in touch, so it won’t be an issue. (My avoidance coping mechanism is smarter than your honors student.)
But back to the diet, here are a few tips that have helped me get through being denied the most delicious foods on the planet:
- For meals, all you can eat are fruits, nuts, legumes, gluten-free grains, vegetables, meats, and eggs. Just accept it.
- For flavor, because so many spices are made from peppers (a nightshade), you’re limited to salt, peppercorns, cumin, turmeric, garlic, ginger, and fresh herbs. Outside of that, squeezing a little lemon or lime onto veggies can be good, and a modified peanut sauce works, too.
- For dessert, you can alter cake and muffin recipes, but otherwise the best thing I’ve found is tahini mixed with honey and spread on rice cakes. It’s better than it sounds, but I won’t refuse your pity.
- The West Wing is streaming on Netflix, and it’s just as compelling today as it was when Jed Barlet was my presidential antidote to Bush 43.
Once more, it’s possible that the last of these things has nothing to do with my diet, but you can’t prove a negative, so let’s assume a correlation.
Speaking of negatives, my pregnancy test falls on my birthday. That’ll be fun.