Archetype Casting

For 2012, I had three new year’s resolutions: to do more crosswords, to breathe, and to focus more on integrity than on goal-setting. I only succeeded insofar as I’m still breathing.

Because I tend to fail wildly at at these annual vows, you’d think I’d consider setting a lower bar, but that’s not how I roll. Case in point: for 2013, I resolved to become a different person.

But unlike with crosswords, in this I have some experience. Back in the summer of 2009, when it became clear that I wasn’t easily going to become a mother, I decided to become the opposite of a mother. I decided to become a whore.

It started with an anonymous twitter profile where I wrote clever little quips with sexual twists, and it developed into a WordPress blog for erotic short stories. By the end of 9 months, I had 1500 followers and made regular appearances on Favstar’s Tweets of the Day – the Twitterverse’s gold medals. I was an e-slutty sensation.

BlindfoldThe accolades didn’t stop there. I also got several sexual propositions, a marriage proposal, and about a dozen nude photos of men who wanted me to know just how much they cared. Eventually I got tired of pretending to be a single 20-something who was always searching for the next big thing between my legs, so just as quickly as she was born, I tweeted one final RIP tweet and shut her down.

For that short time, however, I’d transformed myself into a different archetype of womanhood — well, as much as was possible for someone who was married, monogamous, and nearing middle age. Through her, I was a sexually-liberated model of femininity, and even though the character was virtual, her personality influenced several aspects of my real life: my wardrobe choices were edgier, I lost those last 10 pounds, and my sex life became more lively. She was good for me.

The best part of the character, though, was that she allowed me to escape from living the life of a woman who only wanted to be a mom. I’ve seen it over and over again with infertile women, and it’s a story I know too well: we put our lives on hold while making choices that revolve around what we think will be the quickest route to motherhood. In the meantime, all the rest of ourselves – all the other parts of our identity with potential to be fulfilled – just whither away within us. When the struggle takes years, it gets ugly.

So this year I resolve to be a different person once again, only now I’m choosing a whole new archetype: the female warrior. Or, in modern parlance, I plan to become a professionally successful woman.

AthenaUntil recently, my career has been in non-profit program management, which is really just a professionalization of motherhood, and thus one of the reasons why I don’t want to do it anymore — the other reason being the non-profit part. Beginning last summer, though, I started working with a career counselor with whom I discovered what seems like a great new career direction for me: public relations.

So that’s what I’m on my way to doing. I’m taking two PR courses at the local university, and this week I begin a volunteer job that will give me experience in government administration, communications, and public relations. I’ve also joined a local PR group through which I make it a point to meet with at least one person every week to explore ideas of what I want to do and what it’ll take to get me there.

This isn’t to say that I’m giving up on becoming a mother; I’m just giving up on needing motherhood to define me while the reality is that it just plain doesn’t. I’m done putting my life on hold while I ride the pendulous swing that takes me back and forth between my doctors’ optimism and confoundedness. That person no longer gets the lion-share of me.

It’s 2013. I am Athena. Hear me roar.

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About TG

My eggs don't work, so I manifested a baby via egg donation. Let's blog and see what happens.
This entry was posted in Donor Egg Process, My Head, Things Past and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Archetype Casting

  1. Sandra says:

    Good for you!! I need to do the same. BIG TIME. I have been thinking the same thing. I’ve been wanting to go back to school for ages and if I would have done that at the beginning of my TTC journey, I would have a different career right now. I love that you are actually taking action in that direction and hopefully I will get inspired enough to do the same. Way to go Athena!

    Like

    • TG says:

      Thank you! It’s such a huge part of this process, isn’t it? And it’s seriously undermined my sense of purpose. Well, the past is the past, and I’m not dead yet, so forging ahead!!

      Like

  2. Kimberly says:

    This is awesome! Congrats on making those first steps and contacts! Keep us updated on your career journey as well!

    Like

  3. M says:

    I love your writing. I so think you could become a great essayist.

    Like

    • TG says:

      Thanks, M! I definitely factored writing into my new career path, but I didn’t think “essayist” would get me the financial stability I’m looking for (unless I go back to smut, maybe). But if you have any suggestions, …
      Writing will no doubt be a central part of wherever I land in the communications field, though. Thanks for your support!

      Like

  4. augusta19 says:

    If you hadn’t already (and you had), you have completely won me over with this post, TG. I think this is exactly our life’s work, to be able to integrate all of our parts, without disowning them or neglecting them. It’s really hard to do in the midst of grief and IF, but it sounds like your committment to honouring your whole self is leading you doing just that. I am full of admiration for you.

    Like

  5. Sue says:

    Yay for you with the new career path! Oh, and I love that you divulged the story about your smut writing – makes me like you even more if that’s possible! ;-) BTW, PR sounds like an awesome path for you, and perfect with your terrific writing skills. Oh, since you’re a blogger/twitter chick (I mean that in the best way) – you might as well be a social media queen too, I think there is some decent demand for that freelance, and they aren’t that easy to find for companies who don’t want to hire a company to do it – and it’s pretty easy to do on the side. Just a thought.

    Like

  6. Valerie says:

    If we can’t become mothers, we’ll simply have to settle for being fabulous. Great post.

    Like

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