Psychopathic Naturopathic Medicine

I’ve started seeing naturopaths. That’s naturopaths plural. Meaning three of them.

My main naturopath says that the reason I can’t carry a pregnancy is threefold: lack of circulation, elevated toxicity, and increased inflammation. To ameliorate those things, I am two weeks into abiding by the following protocol.

  1. Acupuncture. For full-body circulation and not just infertility. (Once a week.)
  2. Homeopathic Unda Numbered Compounds. If you’re thinking “what the fuck,” then we’re on the same page. I’m not sure, but they seem to be magic medicine that’s taken in a magical way. All I know for sure is that they taste like booze, which is the only good thing about them. That, and I like saying “unda.” (Fifteen drops three times a day, an hour away from food.)
  3. Pregnancy Prep Enzyme Pills. I actually used to take these a few years ago because the cross-eyed chick with the tattoos at my health food store recommended them. They didn’t work. (Two pills twice a day away from food.)
  4. Curcumin Pills. I know what you’re thinking. “Cumin,” right? Well, you’re wrong because they’re made of turmeric. I’m taking them because apparently turmeric decreases inflammation. Doesn’t seem to be working for folks in the Middle East, but what do I know? (Two pills twice a day away from food.)
  5. Abdominal Castor Oil Heat Packs. I used to do this, actually. Not on myself, because it’s disgusting, but back when I was a massage therapist, I would use them on clients. You put a gross amount of castor oil on your stomach, place a disposable cloth on top, and apply a heat pack wrapped in plastic on the belly. It draws out icky stuff and makes nice poops. (Daily for 20 minutes.)
  6. Mayan Abdominal Massage. This is exactly what it sounds like: a Mayan Shaman created a massage that makes people pregnant. If you stopped reading after “Shaman,” then you’ll never know how badly I want to be your best friend. (Once or twice a month by the therapist. Daily on myself for 10 minutes.)
  7. The Anti-Inflammatory Diet. This means:
    No gluten
    No soy
    No dairy
    No nightshades
    No sugar or sweeteners
    No caffeine
    No alcohol
    (Forever, or until I kill myself.)

Of these seven naturopathic dos and don’ts, it’s the diet that’s most impacting because it means I can’t eat out, and this is a HUGE problem because restaurants are my hobby, my sport, and my most favorite thing that N and I do together. And if you’re about to say that I can find a way around it, then you haven’t thought it through.

Think I can get away with Mexican food if I order rice, beans, and corn chips with guacamole? Not if the rice is cooked with tomato, the beans have chili powder, and the guac has sour cream. Perhaps some sushi? Sure, as long as I stick to sashimi and plain white rice, since I can’t have soy sauce, miso soup, or sushi rice (which is seasoned with sugar). Or maybe some breakfast? It’s easy to modify a cheese omelet with a side of potatoes, toast, and coffee with cream, because all I have to do is order plain eggs. Problem solved.

Truth be told, at 2 weeks in, I’m starting to get used to it. Or, at least I’ve stopped crying about it (yes, literally). And I do feel better after I eat, so I suppose something’s working. I am not happy about it, though.

But I mentioned that I’m seeing three naturopaths, so here’s the scoop on that: the first doctor is the one overseeing my whole treatment, giving me my herbal meds, and doing my acupuncture. The second naturopath is the one doing the Mayan abdominal massage. And the third naturopath warrants some storytelling.

The third naturopath likes every bit of this protocol, but she feels it’s not quite as insane as it could be, so I need to add three more things:

  1. Pregnancy Tea. Your basic raspberry leaf concoction. (Two or more cups a day.)
  2. Utrophin PMG. The main ingredient in these pills is bovine uterus, which means that they’re pills made from a bovine’s uterus, which means that I’m taking bovine uterus pills that are made from a bovine’s uterus. (Two pills twice a day with food even though the thought of consuming bovine uterus makes me want to vomit.)
  3. Pelvic Floor Massage. How is a pelvic floor massage different from Mayan Abdominal Massage? Well, only one involves getting massaged inside my vagina. (Once a month.)

Allow me to elaborate on this last point, if you will. While others before me have paid good money to have their pussies rubbed, I never imagined that one of those people would be me. However, a friend of mine had it done after 2 years of trying to conceive on her own, and the month after her first treatment, she got pregnant. I don’t think this will happen to me, but it also seems worth trying. Besides, it’s something to blog about.

So, in conjunction with the adjustments that my doctor recommended, this is the Kitchen Sink Cycle. Although truth be told, it will probably more commonly be referred to as the Final Cycle, because it’s official: after this, I’m done. And while I’m scared about what this might mean, it feels good to have made the decision. Infertility has taken up too much of my life, and — although I will continue to try and manifest a kid or two by other means — I need to take my body out of the equation. Enough is enough.

In the meantime, I’m going to do everything the naturopaths tell me to do and hope that the pelvic floor massage will get me my happy ending.


About TG

My eggs don't work, so I manifested a baby via egg donation. Let's blog and see what happens.
This entry was posted in Donor Egg Fertility Treatments, Donor Egg Process, My Head and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Psychopathic Naturopathic Medicine

  1. Lanie says:

    Totally! If it’s your last hurrah, throw it all in! When is your next transfer (or how long will this painful lifestyle change last?) :) Totally worth it if you end up pregnant.

    I cut out caffeine, animal products, alcohol, and was doing many vitamins and supplements, and acupuncture for about 3-4 months during my IVF. It didn’t work, but hey, I gave it my all, and I didn’t have to question if it was something that I did or didn’t do. And, although life was kind of boring during that time, I felt really good and slept really well.

    I’m hoping this is it for you!


    • TG says:

      Thanks for your support! My next (last!!) transfer will probably be sometime in March, so I’ll be keeping this up until then – minus some of the massage and herbs that I have to quit at various points during my IVF calendar.

      And yes to cutting animal products! On top of all this, I don’t eat meat either. Well, except for bovine uterus.


  2. Number 1 fan says:

    your writing talent is astounding and makes me want to try harder to be a writer….how can you be so damn funny when what you’re going through is so awful? I love you! (and not in a “single, white female” kind of way)


  3. Kristi says:

    Glad you are back. I kept checking for your posts and finally found three. Just wanted to wish you good luck and perseverance. I have a transfer coming up in January and I am not very hopeful but at least I have to try. For some reason cutting out nightshades makes sense. I think I am going to try that.


  4. Sandra says:

    Haha… it sounds like you were at my work! I work at a holistic clinic in the Palisades and aside from the massage, everything sounds totally like us! haha. But I’m not one of the doctors, not to worry, I’m the manager, so to me some of it sounds as weird as it does to you :) The cutting out gluten, soy, dairy, sugar, etc, etc, is GREAT! I know it’s a pain, but I’m glad you are doing it. The massage can’t hurt, neither the homeopathics. I’ve taken the exact same bovine uterus thing that you are! Unreal, it’s from Standard Process isn’t it? Good luck with it all! Fingers crossed that this is it for you.


    • TG says:

      Yes, those are the pills! I wasn’t in the Palisades, but it’s a comfort to know that there’s consistency in the lunacy. And I’m sticking to it, too — all except the self-massage, which I just haven’t felt up to. Thanks for all your encouragement! Can’t tell you how I appreciate it.


  5. mlw says:

    OMG!!!! I have just discovered your blog and this entry was absolutely hilarious, I mean l was actually laughing aloud.
    I have been TTC for nearly 6 years and have tried it all, heard it all EXCEPT for the internal vaginal rubs! Best of luck to you!!!!! Keep up your sense of humor-it’s the only way to get through this.


  6. Maravu says:

    so glad to find a blog about infertility with cuss words and without abbreviations. a little irreverency (I may have made up that word) is good for the soul when the soul is a little bit pissed. I have been on an infertility journey for several years which has included adoption related disappointment in addition to those associated with medical procedures….I have just started the donor egg adventure however so am really happy to have found your blog and pelvic floor massages. I will continue to follow your progress and send positive vibes your way.


    • TG says:

      Glad to have another partner in the pro-cussing / anti-abbreviations crusade toward family-building. Best of luck on your journey, and please keep me posted, especially if I can help in any way. TG


  7. A. says:

    I looked this up because, well, it’s the sort of crazy shit you do when you know it’s your last chance, like, to prove to yourself (and “God”) that you want it badly enough. It’s a good thing you’re funny because I’m laughing while reading instead of crying, which is really a more appropriate reaction to living like this “Forever, or until I kill myself.”


    • TG says:

      I just reread the post, and it was obviously written by a crazy person. Actually I’m pretty sure the diet was the key to my success, but all the other stuff was lunacy. But jeez. Who knows. I’m pretty sure reproductive endocrinology was a science designed to keep therapists in business.

      Liked by 1 person

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