From the start, I had an “unexplained infertility” diagnosis. Or rather an “unexplained infertility, but we think it’s an egg issue” diagnosis. As in:
You can’t get pregnant on your own, but we think it’s an egg issue, so let’s introduce the sperm as close to the egg as possible. Four times.
Nope. Inseminations didn’t work. What else you got?
Boy, that’s strange. But we still think it’s an egg issue, so let’s do IVF and only use embryos that we know will make babies. Three times.
Hmmm. Wrong again. Is there a Plan D?
Really? It didn’t work?? That’s shocking, but as a matter of fact, we do have another idea: because we’re absolutely certain it’s an egg issue, let’s use the eggs of some young woman that you don’t know, fertilize those, and get you pregnant with embryos that aren’t genetically related to you. Two times.
OK. I didn’t love it, but I tried it, and still no dice. So, what’s next? Another donor egg embryo transfer, I assume?
Wait, what?? That didn’t work?!? I guess that means…. You know, it’s kind of a funny thing. Come to think of it, did we say “egg issue?” Because what we really meant is … well, it’s possible that…. It really is funny, if you think about it, because it now appears that you might not have had an egg issue after all. Well, at least not at first, although you certainly do now, because now it’s 5 years later, and you’re really old. But at this point — and when I say funny, what I mean is that you should get ready to laugh because you’re totally going to think this is hilarious when I tell you, but — we now believe it’s been a uterine issue the whole time, and you never could carry a pregnancy in the first place.
Yes. Yes, that is funny.
Now, if you wouldn’t mind holding my drink while I shoot you…